Ambimama - India

Many inputs are coming to counter and solve the terror attacks in Bombay. The attacks confirm trained gunmen and the effects are worse. The main Metro Bombay (Mumbai) being attacked at VIP places shows the arrogance and planning like that of 9/11. The Bush of USA took a very offensive attitude and security measures which really brought the Muslims into shame and lots of practical difficulties in daily life.
Even the soft and tolerant population in India is now convinced about the Islamic terrorism and ways to handle it. Showing Love towards the common Muslim in India may no longer hold good. Power and arrogance of the Muslims have to be countered by peace loving Muslims here and a watch and be happy attitude will not work. Politicians’ statements are not going to help and a strong action without giving any indication to the Media is one of the steps. The other steps need not be known to the public. An awareness for an Indian (Muslim, Hindu or Any religion) that terror has to be put down in ruthless way must be created.

The need of the hour is ACTION and SHOW THE TERRORISTS that WE HAD THE SOLUTION but did not IMPLEMENT IT.

First I thought it was a gang war in 5-star hotels. The TV media always hypes this kind of News as Breaking! But detailed reports in the dailies today are paining. And the statements by Maharshtra Cm is funny like our Defence Minister and PM whenever there is a real terror strike, people die and rhetoric statements made. Sure sign of a weak government at the Center and State levels.

I am sure Mumbaites are more action oriented and have more sense of awareness to tackle the terror they have been facing for years. It is high time we do not depend of Police (retired also who write great articles in RD), Army or worse the Politicians.

Due to rains, rains and storm Chennai is standstill. For many hours I had no Internet. Now, only the broadband is working but the telephone is dead. Hence a short article to express myself. 

Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Nasty Virus Alert
Should you receive an email entitled “Badtimes”, delete it immediately. Do NOT open it. Apparently, this is a pretty nasty one.
Not only will it erase everything on your hard drive, it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It will demagnetize the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It will reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you may attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which will grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
Should the “Badtimes” message be opened in a Windows 98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
These are only a few signs of infection, so do BEWARE!

Life Before Computers
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped no one found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for quite a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

Idiot Computer Virus
We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the ‘Idiot Computer Virus’.
Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank You

The Internet And The Penis
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but hard to get any real work done.
If you neglect to apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses and confuses yours.
If you’re not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
Some people have it and some don’t.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off. They think those who don’t have it want it.
People who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy but think it’s not worth the fuss made about it.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they didn’t have to work. Then again, some do anyway.

Reasons Why Computers Are Female
You no sooner have one, when a better one is just around the corner.
No one except the creator understands the internal logic.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message ‘Bad Command or File Name’ is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to explain it to you”.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending at least half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Advertising in Error Messages
Microsoft announced it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows.
Acknowledging for the first time ever that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is attempting to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
“We estimate that throughout the world, at any given moment, several million people are getting a ‘general protection fault’ or ‘illegal operation’ warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it,” said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intending to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the very near future.
The Justice Department immediately indicated they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

WORK Computer Virus
There is a new virus making the rounds called ‘Work’. If you receive any kind of ‘work’ at all, be it via email, internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague - DO NOT OPEN IT!
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have attempted to open ‘work’, or even look at ‘work’, have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you should happen to encounter ‘work’ via email or are faced with any ‘work’ at all, then to purge the virus send an email to your boss with the words “Sorry, I’m off to the bar”. The ‘work’ should automatically be deleted from your brain.
Should you receive ‘work’ in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the ‘work’ to your trash can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with a couple of friends and order some beer.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that ‘work’ will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the ‘work’ virus has already corrupted your life.

The Ultimate Computer
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line.
When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This baby here,” he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer.”
A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
Suddenly, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, “Fishing Off Florida.”
“Ha!” laughed the smartass. “Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question.”
The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.
“Ok,” the smartass said, “where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a buzzing of wheels and flashing lights until a small card popped out. The card read, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.”

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
Sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas-
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it,
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the software,
Find a way around it,
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation,
Blame it on the hardware,
Find a way around it,
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it’s not supported,
Change the documentation,
Blame it on the hardware,
Find a way around it,
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it’s a feature,
Say it’s not supported,
Change the documentation,
Blame it on the hardware,
Find a way around it,
Say they need an upgrade,
Reinstall the software,
Ask for a dump,
Run with the debugger,
Try to reproduce it,
Ask them how they did it,
And see if they can do it again.

Hi-Tech Trio
Three guys are sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly, there’s a beeping sound. The first guy presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The other two give him a curious look.
“Oh, that’s my pager,” he says with a grin. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rings and the second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes, he explains, “That was just my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna and returns a few minutes later with a piece of toilet paper extending from his butt.
The others raise their eyebrows and he explains, “I’m receiving a fax.”

Plug and Play Video Card
Customer: “Looks like you guys really did it this time!”
Tech Support: “Did what, sir?”
Customer: “I bought one of your new video cards and called you people to find out how to install it.”
Tech Support: “Yes … ”
Customer: “Well, you people told me it was plug and play and all I had to do was plug it in and reboot my computer.”
Tech Support: “That is the way it’s supposed to work. What happened?”
Customer: “Well, I pulled the old card out and started to put the new one in … suddenly there was a blue flash and smoke started to come up. Now my darn computer won’t work at all!”
Tech Support: “Are you saying you tried to plug the video card in while your computer was on?”
Customer: “Well, you people did say it was plug and play!!!”

Press F1 For Help
While Bob was on duty in the main computer lab one afternoon, he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring blankly at the screen.
About fifteen minutes later, he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
“Well, it’s about time! I pressed the F1 button at least twenty minutes ago!” she snapped.

Great Bike
Two IT guys were walking toward each other in a park when one said to the other, “Wow, where did you get such a great bike?”
The second guy replied, “Yesterday I was walking along, minding my own business, when a gorgeous woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want’.”
“Good choice,” said the first IT guy, nodding approvingly. “I doubt her clothes would have fit you.”

Blocked Sites
“Hello, this is the help desk.”
“Yes, this is Mrs. Stuart on the fourth floor. I’m calling to report a violation of company policy.”
“What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Stuart?”
“I have found some of the computers in the office here are being used to look at orgies.”
“We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like that from being displayed.”
“Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the bookmarks.”
“And there’s a list of pornographic sites?”
“I’ll say. Quite a few, actually.”
“They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?”
“I didn’t have to. They say dot O-R-G and I’ve been around long enough to know what that means!”

C-Nile Virus Alert
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: SYSTEM’S ADMINISTRATOR
SUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS … MUST READ:
Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the “C-Nile Virus” that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958.
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.
3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the E-mail from the person who sent it to you.
6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
7. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the

Hot
What does Bill Gates do when he is hot?
He opens Windows!

Proper Care of Diskettes
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking,” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Addicted To Your Computer
Ten ways to know that you’re addicted to your computer:-
10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I’LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
1) YOU READ SHIT LIKE THIS!

No Eating or Drinking Allowed
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer proudly pointed out that the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he noticed that one of the officers had a cup of coffee in his hand. “There will be no eating or drinking in this room!” he yelled. “Get rid of that coffee, immediately!”
“Yes, sir,” the officer replied meekly. “but, why?”
“Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard!”

Technologically Challenged?
For those of you who have ever felt you may be technologically challenged, take heart. The following incidents may do the trick in restoring your self-confidence:
* A woman called AST customer support complaining that her mouse was difficult to control with the dust cover on. The ‘dust cover’ turned out to be the plastic the mouse was packaged in.
* AST asked another customer to send them a copy of his defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter from the customer arrived, together with photocopies of the floppies.
* Compaq tech support received a call from a woman saying her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She had unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 15 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, her reply was, “What power switch?”
* An aggravated woman called Dell complaining that she wasn’t able to get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the tech asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to be the mouse.
* Dell received a call from a customer complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day, then removed all the keys and washed them individually.
* Another Dell customer called support to say he was unable to get his computer to fax anything. After half an hour of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was attempting to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
* Yet another Dell customer was advised by the technician to put his problem floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and could be heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
* IBM received a call from a confused customer who was having problems printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user said he had also tried turning the monitor screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

Problems with New Computer
David purchased a new computer and ran into difficulties setting it up, so he called the customer support phone number listed in the manual.
He explained the problem to the customer support guy who immediately began to rattle off computer jargon, which only added to David’s confusion.
“Excuse me, sir,” David said, politely, “but could you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Sure, no problem,” replied the customer support guy. “Young man, could you please put your mommy or daddy on the phone?”

Fell on Floor
What happened to the computer when it fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Midget and Computer
What do you get when you cross a midget with a computer?
A short circuit.

Dr. Seuss Offers Tech Support
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
You can’t say this?
What a shame sir.
We’ll find you
another game sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna to hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you’ll have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Signs You’ve Been On-line Too Long
You’ve been on-line too long when …
• Your wife has a wig draped over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• You introduce yourself as Bill at aol.com
• Your children are named Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
• You have a tatoo that says, “This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0.”
• You tilt your head sideways when you smile. :-)
• All your friends have an @ in their names.
• You check your mail. It says “no new messages” so you check it again.
• You call in a plumber to see how much it will cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.

Computer Purchase
The VP of a company was checking out the computers in a shop, trying to decide which he wanted to purchase, when the sales clerk approached him.
“This little baby here,” said the clerk, “will do half of your work for you.”
“That sounds great to me,” replied the VP, “I’ll take two!”

Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
10. Anyone who ticks him off gets a $25,000 phone bill.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years in a row.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems unusually calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow manages to get HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled “Oh, puh-leeez 125 times during the movie ‘The Net’.
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
2. When he starts up his computer, you hear “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, asshole.”

Top Ten Signs Sesame Street Has Gone Interactive
10. The Count now says “point 0″ at the end of each number.
9. All bug Muppets are now renamed “Features”.
8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. “Do you really want to delete Oscar?”
7. Mr. Snuffleuphagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up.
6. Sesame Street has been renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share.
5. Cookie Monster has been renamed Cookie Friend. He sells his book, “How to Track Who’s Using Your Site For Fun and Profit” with continuously running onscreen banner ads.
4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other …
3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C++ and something called, Adobe Acrobat.
2. Bill Gates admits that he’s been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989.
1. “Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition.”

Top Ten Signs You’re An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver’s license application, you give your IP address.
9. Rather than ask prospective dates what their sign is, your line is “What’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends an email.
7. You’re astounded to find out that spam is a food.
6. You ‘ping’ people to find out if they’re awake, ‘finger’ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT’ them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the ‘Net endlessly with the hopes of winning every silly free T-Shirt contest.
4. You refer to your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife’ and to your children as ‘client applications’.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server’.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool, you shout out, “I feel so ‘colon-right parentheses’!”
1. Two simple words - “Pizza’s here!”

Top Ten Actual Email Addresses
10. Helen Thomas Eatons, of Duke University - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson, of Indiana University of Pennsylvania - dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger, of Las Verdes University - kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering, of Purdue University - aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger, of Ball State University - ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering, of Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada - btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock, of Toys “R” Us - ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins, of Fresno University - cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer, of Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc. - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger, of Myplace Home Decorating - beeranbj@myplace.com

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Internet Affair
10. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy’s butt.
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
8. During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”
7. There’s lipstick on the mouse.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your ’software’.
5. She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
4. The computer screen is all fogged up in the morning.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
1. Lately, she’s been sitting at the computer naked.

Top Ten Signs You’ve Bought A Bad Computer
10. The lower corner of the screen has the words ‘Etch-A-Sketch’ on it.
9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that ‘Hey Vern!’ guy.
8. You need some jumper cables and a friend’s car to start it.
7. It’s slogan is ‘Pentium: Redefining Mathematics’.
6. The ‘quick reference’ manual is 120 pages long.
5. Every time you turn it on, all the dogs in the neighborhood begin howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, ‘Ain’t it break time yet?’
3. The manual contains only one sentence, ‘Good Luck!’
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male
10. Although they have a lot of data, they’re still clueless.
9. There’s always a better model just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. Push the right buttons and they’ll do whatever you say.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
5. You must turn them on in order to get their attention.
4. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
3. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
2. It’s always necessary to have a back up.
1. Size does matter.