Ambimama - India

Sleep
How do lawyers sleep?
They lie on one side, then lie on the other.

Winning The Case
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was speaking with his lawyer.
“I must win this case,” he said. “If I lose, I will be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” the lawyer replied.
“What if I send the judge a box of cigars? Would that help?” the defendant asked.
“No!” the lawyer exclaimed. “This judge is a real stickler on ethical behavior. Pulling a stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He may even hold you in contempt of court!”
Finally, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As they were leaving the courthouse, the defendant said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
“I’m confident we would have lost the case if you had sent them to him,” the lawyer responded.
“Oh, but I did send them,” the defendant replied.
“You what?” the lawyer exclaimed.
“You bet I did. That’s how we won the case … good thing I remembered to put the plaintiff’s business card in with them.”

Lawyer’s Contribution
The staff at a local United Way office realized the town’s most successful lawyer had never made a donation, so the person in charge of contributions called him in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you do not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some small way?” asked the representative.
The lawyer thought this over for a very brief moment and said, “Did your research happen to show that my mother is dying after a lengthy illness, and that she has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Feeling embarrassed, the representative muttered, “Umm … No.”
“And, did your research show,” continued the lawyer, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is not only blind, but is confined to a wheelchair?”
Feeling even more embarrassed, the representative began to stammer an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “or, that my sister’s husband was killed in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children to raise?”
Now completely beaten and deeply humiliated, the representative said, “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea … ”
On a roll, the lawyer once again cut him off, “Now, if I don’t give them any money, why should I give any to you?”

Sharks and Lawyers
Why don’t sharks ever attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He sure is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $300 an hour, she better be good!
3. Did you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one possible.
1. Think you can get me off?

Lifelong Ambition
A woman was appearing before the judge in traffic court to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She told the judge she was a school teacher and asked for an immediate disposal of her case so she wouldn’t be late getting to school.
A wild gleam immediately appeared in the judge’s eyes. “So, you’re a school teacher, are you?” he said. “I shall finally realize my lifelong ambition. I have waited years to have a school teacher in my court. Now, sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not drive through a red light 500 times’!”

Guess Who
Walking into the post office, Jack saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing ‘love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
“I’m sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed ‘Guess Who’,” the man explained.
“Why?” asked Jack.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Endless War
Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Boston, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an attorney boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.
The attorney kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The attorney said, “No problem, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the first doctor’s coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too.
The attorney said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the attorney returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long is this going to continue?” he asked. “This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!”

Suit Settled
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home totally elated.
“Dad, listen, you aren’t going to believe this,” he said to his father. “I’ve finally settled that old Whitmore suit.”
“Settled it!!” bellowed his father. “You bumbling idiot! We’ve been living off of that money for over five years now!”

What Lawyers do
Occupations
The teacher was asking her grade school students what their parents did for a living. “Ricky, you can be first. Tell us what your mother does all day.”
“My mother is a doctor,” Ricky proudly said.
“That’s wonderful, Ricky. How about you, Susie?” the teacher asked.
Susie stood up and told the class that her father was a mailman.
“Thank you, Susie,” said the teacher. “Now you, Billy. What does your father do?”
Standing up, Billy proudly announced, “My father drinks, murders people and steals their money.”
Aghast at his comments, the teacher changed the subject and decided to pay a visit to Billy’s house later in the day. When she arrived at his house and rang the doorbell, his father answered the door. She explained to him what Billy had said and asked if there might be a logical explanation for it.
“Actually, I’m an attorney, but how do I explain a thing like that to a seven year old?” the father replied.

Smartest Man
A lawyer, a doctor, a little boy and a priest were all out on a small plane for an afternoon flight when the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the pilot’s best efforts, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot yelled out to his passengers that they’d better jump, grabbed a parachute and bailed out.
Unfortunately, that left only three remaining parachutes. Grabbing one, the doctor said, “I am a doctor and I save lives, so I must live,” and he jumped.
The lawyer then grabbed a parachute and said, “I am the smartest man in the world. I definitely deserve to live.” Then he jumped.
Looking at the young boy, the priest said, “Son, I have been fortunate to have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
Handing the parachute back to the priest, the little boy said, “Don’t worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!”

Oldest Profession
A doctor, an engineer and an attorney were discussing which of them belonged to the oldest of the three professions they represented.
The doctor said, “On the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, thus making Him the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
“Yes,” the lawyer said, “but just who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. Being shrewd and diligent, business kept coming in and she soon realized she needed an in-house counsel.
Interviewing the first applicant, she said, “I am certain you can understand that in a business such as this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” Leaning forward, she asked, “Mr. Peters, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” Mr. Peters replied. “Without a doubt. Why I am so honest that when my father loaned me $20,000 for my education, I paid back every penny the moment I tried my first case.”
“That’s very impressive,” she replied. “What sort of case was it?”
Squirming in his seat, he sheepishly replied, “He sued me for the money.”

Day In Court
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
“What!” What for?” he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That’s what for!”
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay right now.”
The man replied, “Oh, I’m just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!”

Refund
A lawyer died and was greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter. “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” St. Peter asked him.
After thinking for a moment, the lawyer replied, “I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street about a week ago.”
St. Peter asked Gabriel to check this out and, sure enough, it was true.
“That’s fine,” said St. Peter, “but not quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
“That’s more!” declared the lawyer. “Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Again St. Peter instructed Gabriel to check this out. A moment later, Gabriel confirmed that this too was true.
Leaning closer and whispering to Gabriel, St. Peter asked, “What do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Glancing over at the lawyer, Gabriel replied, “I suggest we refund him his fifty cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Bank Line-Up
There was a long line-up of people waiting for the bank teller, when one guy suddenly started to massage the back of the person in front of him.
“Excuse me, but just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” the man in front snapped.
“Well, I’m a chiropracter and you appeared to be tense, so I was massaging your back. At times I just can’t help practicing my art,” the guy replied.
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” the man in front said. “I’m a lawyer. You don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”