Ambimama - India

Technologically Challenged?
For those of you who have ever felt you may be technologically challenged, take heart. The following incidents may do the trick in restoring your self-confidence:
* A woman called AST customer support complaining that her mouse was difficult to control with the dust cover on. The ‘dust cover’ turned out to be the plastic the mouse was packaged in.
* AST asked another customer to send them a copy of his defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter from the customer arrived, together with photocopies of the floppies.
* Compaq tech support received a call from a woman saying her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She had unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 15 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, her reply was, “What power switch?”
* An aggravated woman called Dell complaining that she wasn’t able to get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the tech asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to be the mouse.
* Dell received a call from a customer complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking it for a day, then removed all the keys and washed them individually.
* Another Dell customer called support to say he was unable to get his computer to fax anything. After half an hour of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was attempting to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
* Yet another Dell customer was advised by the technician to put his problem floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and could be heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
* IBM received a call from a confused customer who was having problems printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user said he had also tried turning the monitor screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

Problems with New Computer
David purchased a new computer and ran into difficulties setting it up, so he called the customer support phone number listed in the manual.
He explained the problem to the customer support guy who immediately began to rattle off computer jargon, which only added to David’s confusion.
“Excuse me, sir,” David said, politely, “but could you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”
“Sure, no problem,” replied the customer support guy. “Young man, could you please put your mommy or daddy on the phone?”

Fell on Floor
What happened to the computer when it fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.

Midget and Computer
What do you get when you cross a midget with a computer?
A short circuit.

Dr. Seuss Offers Tech Support
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!
You can’t say this?
What a shame sir.
We’ll find you
another game sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna to hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you’ll have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Signs You’ve Been On-line Too Long
You’ve been on-line too long when …
• Your wife has a wig draped over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• You introduce yourself as Bill at aol.com
• Your children are named Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
• You have a tatoo that says, “This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 5.0.”
• You tilt your head sideways when you smile. :-)
• All your friends have an @ in their names.
• You check your mail. It says “no new messages” so you check it again.
• You call in a plumber to see how much it will cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.

Computer Purchase
The VP of a company was checking out the computers in a shop, trying to decide which he wanted to purchase, when the sales clerk approached him.
“This little baby here,” said the clerk, “will do half of your work for you.”
“That sounds great to me,” replied the VP, “I’ll take two!”

Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
10. Anyone who ticks him off gets a $25,000 phone bill.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years in a row.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems unusually calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow manages to get HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled “Oh, puh-leeez 125 times during the movie ‘The Net’.
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
2. When he starts up his computer, you hear “Good Morning, Mr. President”.
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, asshole.”

Top Ten Signs Sesame Street Has Gone Interactive
10. The Count now says “point 0″ at the end of each number.
9. All bug Muppets are now renamed “Features”.
8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. “Do you really want to delete Oscar?”
7. Mr. Snuffleuphagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up.
6. Sesame Street has been renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit against Microsoft in which high-tech attorneys learn how to share.
5. Cookie Monster has been renamed Cookie Friend. He sells his book, “How to Track Who’s Using Your Site For Fun and Profit” with continuously running onscreen banner ads.
4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other …
3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, Pascal, Oracle, C++ and something called, Adobe Acrobat.
2. Bill Gates admits that he’s been doing the voice for Kermit the Frog since 1989.
1. “Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition.”

Top Ten Signs You’re An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver’s license application, you give your IP address.
9. Rather than ask prospective dates what their sign is, your line is “What’s your URL?”
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends an email.
7. You’re astounded to find out that spam is a food.
6. You ‘ping’ people to find out if they’re awake, ‘finger’ them to find out how they are, and ‘AYT’ them to make sure they’re listening to you.
5. You search the ‘Net endlessly with the hopes of winning every silly free T-Shirt contest.
4. You refer to your wife as ‘my lady@home.wife’ and to your children as ‘client applications’.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as ‘my domain server’.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool, you shout out, “I feel so ‘colon-right parentheses’!”
1. Two simple words - “Pizza’s here!”

Top Ten Actual Email Addresses
10. Helen Thomas Eatons, of Duke University - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson, of Indiana University of Pennsylvania - dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger, of Las Verdes University - kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering, of Purdue University - aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger, of Ball State University - ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering, of Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada - btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock, of Toys “R” Us - ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins, of Fresno University - cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer, of Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc. - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger, of Myplace Home Decorating - beeranbj@myplace.com

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Internet Affair
10. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy’s butt.
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
8. During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”
7. There’s lipstick on the mouse.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your ’software’.
5. She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
4. The computer screen is all fogged up in the morning.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
1. Lately, she’s been sitting at the computer naked.

Top Ten Signs You’ve Bought A Bad Computer
10. The lower corner of the screen has the words ‘Etch-A-Sketch’ on it.
9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that ‘Hey Vern!’ guy.
8. You need some jumper cables and a friend’s car to start it.
7. It’s slogan is ‘Pentium: Redefining Mathematics’.
6. The ‘quick reference’ manual is 120 pages long.
5. Every time you turn it on, all the dogs in the neighborhood begin howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, ‘Ain’t it break time yet?’
3. The manual contains only one sentence, ‘Good Luck!’
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male
10. Although they have a lot of data, they’re still clueless.
9. There’s always a better model just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. Push the right buttons and they’ll do whatever you say.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
5. You must turn them on in order to get their attention.
4. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
3. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
2. It’s always necessary to have a back up.
1. Size does matter.