Ambimama - India

Microsoft TV Dinner ‘01
Instructions for Microsoft’s TV Dinner:
First, you must remove the plastic cover. In doing so, you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as this would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights. However, you may allow others to smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Now, set the oven using the following keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner which are found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking, then press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned, it is possible that Microsoft dinners may crash. Should this happen, your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. First, remove the dinner from the oven. Then enter:
ms.nodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
There is a possibility that this process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave, then doing a cold reboot. Should this not work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
A number of users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, it will be necessary for you to upgrade your equipment.
At this time, dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. Should you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has revealed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the large family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘01. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get excited in advance.
Please note that Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably needed defrosting anyway.

Smoking Power Supply
Experiencing problems with his computer, an incognizant user called technical support for assistance …
Technician: Good morning. How may I help you?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from my computer’s power supply.
Technician: Sounds like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. It needs to be replaced.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just have to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next several minutes, despite the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded …
Technician: I’m sorry. Normally we don’t tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: Aha! I knew it!
Technician: Add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.COM’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
A few minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer …
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: What version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.
An hour passed and the technician received another call from the customer …
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: Really? How did you reach that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: I see. What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE!

Microsoft Winders XP
It has been brought to our attention that a few copies of the Arkansas edition of Microsoft Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside of Arkansas. If you have received one of the Arkansas editions, you may need some help in understanding the commands. This particular edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP and displays a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate Flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
• The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
• My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
• Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
• Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys
• Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs
• Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
• Instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Additional features:
• OK = ats aww-right
• cancel = hail no
• reset = awa shoot
• yes = shore
• no = naaa
• find = hunt-fer it
• go to = over yonder
• help = hep me out here
• start = crank it up
• stop = ternit off
• settings = sittins
• documents = stuff I done done
• programs = stuff at does stuff
Also note that Winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:
• addin mershene = calculator
• colering book = a graphics program
• jupe-box = CD player
• inner-net = Microsoft Explorer
• IRS = M/S accounting software
• IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
• pichers = a graphics viewer
• tiperiter = a word processor
• outhouse paper = notepad
We sincerely regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Arkansas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Microsoft Acquires USA
REDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 — In direct response to the recent decision handed down by the Court of Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court on the case presented by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
“It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said. “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone.”
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President George Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be “minimal”. The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by “Q4 2002 at the latest”, according to Microsoft President Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, George Bush stated that he had “willingly and enthusiastically” accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Bush smiled and referred to it as “a relief”. He went on to say that Gates has a “proven track record”, and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their “full support and confidence”. Bush will reportedly be earning several times the $300,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as “silly”, although he did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. Government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. He went on to say that the House and Senate would “of course” be abolished. “Microsoft isn’t a democracy,” he observed, “and look how well we’re doing.”
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ “MSFT”) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, DC, the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Windows 2000 Error Messages
1. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
2. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
3. Press any key except … no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
6. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
7. BREAKFAST.SYS halted … Cereal port not responding.
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all pirated software titles have been deleted.

Microsoft and Helicopters
A helicopter flying above Seattle encountered an electrical malfunction which disabled all of its electronic navigation and communications equipment. The pilot was unable to determine his position and course to proceed to the airport due to heavy clouds and haze.
Seeing a tall building, he flew toward it, circled, and drew a handwritten sign which he held up to the window. His sign read, “WHERE AM I?” in very large letters.
Those in the tall building saw his sign and quickly responded with an even larger sign of their own, which read, “YOU’RE IN A HELIOPTER.” The pilot smiled and waved at them, looked at his map again, determined the course to steer and fortunately, landed safely.
Finally on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped to determine their position.
“I saw the sign and knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, just like their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Gates Makes a Choice
Bill Gates died and was greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. “You have a choice. Take a look around here, then pop down to hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check both places out and then let me know your decision,” said St. Peter.
Bill took a look around heaven and saw lots of somber people singing hymns and praising the Lord. He then took a look around hell and saw beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, cool drinks and gorgeous women.
He went back to give St. Peter his decision. “I realize you’re doing some wonderful things here,” he said, “but hell seems much more with it, more my kind of scene. No hard feelings, but I pick hell.”
“No problem,” said St. Peter, “you’ve got it.”
Bill then found himself back in hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. Not being able to figure it out, he yelled up to St. Peter, “Hey, St. Peter, what happened to all the beautiful beaches, cool drinks and gorgeous women?”
St. Peter shouted back a reply, “Sorry if you were confused. That was just the demo version!”

Halter Top
What does Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both of them offer very little support.

Bill Gates Goes To Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell where he is greeted by Satan. “Welcome, Mr. Gates, I’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. All your life you have been selfish, greedy and a big liar. Since I’m in a good mood, I’ll be generous and offer you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”
Satan takes Gates to an enormous lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
Then he takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by hungry lions.
Finally, he takes him to a small room. Inside the room is a gorgeous, young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. Looking around the room Bill spots a PC in the corner and, without hesitation, tells Satan that this is his choice of option.
Accepting his choice, Satan allows Bill to enter the room and then locks the door after him. Turning around, Satan bumps in Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates,” Lucifer cried. “Why did you allow him to have the best place of all?”
Snickering, Satan replied, “That’s what everyone thinks. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl doesn’t.”
“Well, what about the PC?” asked Lucifer.
“It’s got Windows 95 and it’s missing three keys,” Satan said, laughing.
“Which three?” asked Lucifer.
“Ctl, Alt, Delete!”

A Great Writer
All through his youth, the young man professed his longing to become a great writer.
When he was asked to define what he meant by great, he replied, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Things that will make people react on a very emotional level. Things that will have them crying and screaming in pain and anger.”
He’s now working for Microsoft writing error messages.

The Three Engineers
An electrical, a chemical and a Microsoft engineer were all in a car when it suddenly stopped running. They pulled off to the side of the road and tried to figure out what the problem was.
The electrical engineer suggested stripping down the electronics to try to find where a fault may have occurred.
Not knowing very much about cars, the chemical engineer suggested that perhaps the fuel was getting blocked somewhere.
Not knowing very much about anything, the Microsoft engineer said he thought he knew the solution. “Let’s close all the windows, get out, get back in, open all the windows and see if it works.”

If Microsoft Built Cars
1.Each time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Your car would crash at least twice a day, for no reason whatsoever.
4. If you couldn’t afford to buy a new car, you could just borrow a friend’s and copy it.
5. The air bag system would say, “Are You Sure?” before going off.
6. A single “General Car Default” warning light would replace oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights.
7. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. Of course, then you would have to buy more seats.
8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only work on five percent of the roads.
9. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

New MS Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has announced a new keyboard designed specifically for Windows. (Sources say there is a Macintosh variant in the works). In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new ones which will make your Windows computing much more fun. The final specs are not yet set, so please do not hesitate to make suggestions. Following are the keys proposed so far:
1: GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2: $$ key - When pressed, this key will automatically transfer money from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3: ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4: MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing or Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.
5: FUD key - This has something to do with the display … self explanatory.
6: Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7: IBM key - This key searches your hard drive for any operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape.)
8: MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access. (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!
9: RW95 key - This stands for Re-install Windows 95. Since it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?
10: FDISK key - Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi. I’m Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: The problem is, there’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again. Perhaps the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Perhaps it’s the way your using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use a fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Perhaps the soup isn’t compatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: I’m using a SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Well … that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer! What does that have to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I came in, sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day???
Waiter: Yes. The Soup of the Day changes every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.
(waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check)
Waiter: Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This isn’t tomato soup, it’s potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
(waiter leaves)
Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day … $5.00
Upgrade to Newer Soup of the Day … $2.50
Access to support … $1.00

Tech Goes To Boot Camp
One of Microsoft’s top technicians was drafted and sent off to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given instructions, a rifle and some bullets. After firing several shots at the target, the report from the target area indicated that all shots had completely missed.
The technician looked at his rifle, then the target, then looked at both again. Placing his finger over the end of the rifle barrel, he squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, which prompted him to yell toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!”

Is Windows A Virus?
No! Windows is not a virus.
Here’s what viruses do:
They replicate quickly - ok, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - ok, Windows does that.
From time to time, viruses will trash your hard disk - ok, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh … Windows does that too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow - see 2 - and the user will buy new hardware. Yep, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.

Knowing that death was near, the critically old man called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000, but why do you want to become a lawyer when you’ll soon be dead?” asked the lawyer.
“That is none of your business. Just get me the course!” the old man demanded.
A few short days later, the old man obtained his law degree.
The lawyer, hoping to get his bill paid, was standing at his bedside. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was evident that the end was very near. Still very curious, the lawyer leaned over him and said, “Please, while there is still time, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
Gasping for his final breath, the old man whispered, “One less lawyer … ”

Materialistic Lawyer
Wanting to show off his car to his colleagues, the successful, young lawyer parked his new Lexus in front of the office. As he was getting out of it, a truck passed too closely and tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately called 911 on his cell phone and summoned the police, who arrived within minutes.
Before the officer had the opportunity to ask any questions, the lawyer began ranting and raving hysterically. He had just picked up his new car that morning and said it would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
Shaking his head in total disbelief and disgust, the officer said to him, “It’s unbelievable how materialistic you lawyers really are. You’re so focused on your possessions, you haven’t even noticed anything else.”
“How could you possibly say such a thing?” the lawyer asked.
“Are you aware that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?” the officer replied. “It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Oh my God,” the lawyer screamed, “where’s my Rolex!”

I Resent That
A drunk was sitting at the bar when he suddenly jumped up and yelled, “All lawyers are assholes!”
Hearing this, the guy sitting across from him quickly stood up and said, “Hey buddy, I resent that!”
“Why, you a lawyer?” the drunk asked.
“No,” replied the guy, “I’m an asshole!”

Heavenly Appeal
Finding himself in heaven after he passed away, the lawyer was very displeased with his accommodations. Complaining to St. Peter, he was advised that appealing his assignment was the only recourse he had. When he stated to St. Peter that he most definitely did plan to appeal, he was then told that there would be at least a two year wait before his appeal could be heard. As much as the lawyer protested against such a lengthy wait, it fell on deaf ears.
In a short time, the lawyer was approached by the devil. The devil advised him that if he was willing to change venue to hell, he could arrange to have an appeal heard in a matter of days. The lawyer then asked the devil how it was possible for appeals to be heard so much sooner in hell.
The devil explained, “We have all the judges.”

New Client
A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.
Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it … “Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!” Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?”
Mr. Baker replied, “Hi, I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”

Lawyer and the Priest
A priest and a lawyer were having a conversation. The priest asked the lawyer what he did if he made a big mistake on a case. “If it’s insignificant, I ignore it. If it’s big, I attempt to fix it. What do you do?” said the lawyer.
The priest replied, “Pretty much the same thing. I’ll give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars’. Instead what I said was, ‘the devil is the father of lawyers’, so I just let it go.

Drowning Lawyer
What can you do to stop a lawyer from drowning? 
Remove your foot from his head.

You Can’t Take It With You
A greedy lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove the saying “You can’t take it with you” wrong. Giving it some thought he was sure he had figured out a way to take some of his money with him when he died.
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough cash to fill a couple of pillow cases. Then she was to take the filled pillow cases to the attic and place them directly above his bed. That way, when he did die, all he would have to do was reach out and grab the cases on his way to heaven.
Weeks after his funeral his wife was up in the attic and found the two forgotten cases filled with cash. “Silly fool,” she said. “I told him I should have put the cases in the basement.”

Sleep
How do lawyers sleep?
They lie on one side, then lie on the other.

Winning The Case
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was speaking with his lawyer.
“I must win this case,” he said. “If I lose, I will be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” the lawyer replied.
“What if I send the judge a box of cigars? Would that help?” the defendant asked.
“No!” the lawyer exclaimed. “This judge is a real stickler on ethical behavior. Pulling a stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He may even hold you in contempt of court!”
Finally, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As they were leaving the courthouse, the defendant said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
“I’m confident we would have lost the case if you had sent them to him,” the lawyer responded.
“Oh, but I did send them,” the defendant replied.
“You what?” the lawyer exclaimed.
“You bet I did. That’s how we won the case … good thing I remembered to put the plaintiff’s business card in with them.”

Lawyer’s Contribution
The staff at a local United Way office realized the town’s most successful lawyer had never made a donation, so the person in charge of contributions called him in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you do not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some small way?” asked the representative.
The lawyer thought this over for a very brief moment and said, “Did your research happen to show that my mother is dying after a lengthy illness, and that she has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Feeling embarrassed, the representative muttered, “Umm … No.”
“And, did your research show,” continued the lawyer, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is not only blind, but is confined to a wheelchair?”
Feeling even more embarrassed, the representative began to stammer an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “or, that my sister’s husband was killed in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children to raise?”
Now completely beaten and deeply humiliated, the representative said, “I’m sorry sir, I had no idea … ”
On a roll, the lawyer once again cut him off, “Now, if I don’t give them any money, why should I give any to you?”

Sharks and Lawyers
Why don’t sharks ever attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He sure is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $300 an hour, she better be good!
3. Did you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one possible.
1. Think you can get me off?

Lifelong Ambition
A woman was appearing before the judge in traffic court to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light. She told the judge she was a school teacher and asked for an immediate disposal of her case so she wouldn’t be late getting to school.
A wild gleam immediately appeared in the judge’s eyes. “So, you’re a school teacher, are you?” he said. “I shall finally realize my lifelong ambition. I have waited years to have a school teacher in my court. Now, sit down at that table and write, ‘I will not drive through a red light 500 times’!”

Guess Who
Walking into the post office, Jack saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing ‘love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
“I’m sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed ‘Guess Who’,” the man explained.
“Why?” asked Jack.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Endless War
Two doctors had boarded a flight out of Boston, one taking the window seat and the other, the middle seat. Just prior to take off, an attorney boarded and took the aisle seat next to them.
The attorney kicked off his shoes and had no sooner settled in, when the doctor in the window seat decided he would get up and get himself a coke. The attorney said, “No problem, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the doctors picked up his shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the first doctor’s coke, the other doctor decided that it looked so good, he would like one too.
The attorney said he would go and get one for him. While he was gone this time, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the attorney returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the remainder of the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his shoes on and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long is this going to continue?” he asked. “This constant fighting between our professions. This lack of respect. This animosity. This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!”

Suit Settled
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home totally elated.
“Dad, listen, you aren’t going to believe this,” he said to his father. “I’ve finally settled that old Whitmore suit.”
“Settled it!!” bellowed his father. “You bumbling idiot! We’ve been living off of that money for over five years now!”

What Lawyers do
Occupations
The teacher was asking her grade school students what their parents did for a living. “Ricky, you can be first. Tell us what your mother does all day.”
“My mother is a doctor,” Ricky proudly said.
“That’s wonderful, Ricky. How about you, Susie?” the teacher asked.
Susie stood up and told the class that her father was a mailman.
“Thank you, Susie,” said the teacher. “Now you, Billy. What does your father do?”
Standing up, Billy proudly announced, “My father drinks, murders people and steals their money.”
Aghast at his comments, the teacher changed the subject and decided to pay a visit to Billy’s house later in the day. When she arrived at his house and rang the doorbell, his father answered the door. She explained to him what Billy had said and asked if there might be a logical explanation for it.
“Actually, I’m an attorney, but how do I explain a thing like that to a seven year old?” the father replied.

Smartest Man
A lawyer, a doctor, a little boy and a priest were all out on a small plane for an afternoon flight when the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the pilot’s best efforts, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot yelled out to his passengers that they’d better jump, grabbed a parachute and bailed out.
Unfortunately, that left only three remaining parachutes. Grabbing one, the doctor said, “I am a doctor and I save lives, so I must live,” and he jumped.
The lawyer then grabbed a parachute and said, “I am the smartest man in the world. I definitely deserve to live.” Then he jumped.
Looking at the young boy, the priest said, “Son, I have been fortunate to have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
Handing the parachute back to the priest, the little boy said, “Don’t worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!”

Oldest Profession
A doctor, an engineer and an attorney were discussing which of them belonged to the oldest of the three professions they represented.
The doctor said, “On the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and created Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”
The engineer replied, “Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, thus making Him the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”
“Yes,” the lawyer said, “but just who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. Being shrewd and diligent, business kept coming in and she soon realized she needed an in-house counsel.
Interviewing the first applicant, she said, “I am certain you can understand that in a business such as this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” Leaning forward, she asked, “Mr. Peters, are you an honest lawyer?”
“Honest?” Mr. Peters replied. “Without a doubt. Why I am so honest that when my father loaned me $20,000 for my education, I paid back every penny the moment I tried my first case.”
“That’s very impressive,” she replied. “What sort of case was it?”
Squirming in his seat, he sheepishly replied, “He sued me for the money.”

Day In Court
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
“What!” What for?” he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That’s what for!”
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay right now.”
The man replied, “Oh, I’m just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!”

Refund
A lawyer died and was greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter. “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” St. Peter asked him.
After thinking for a moment, the lawyer replied, “I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street about a week ago.”
St. Peter asked Gabriel to check this out and, sure enough, it was true.
“That’s fine,” said St. Peter, “but not quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
“That’s more!” declared the lawyer. “Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Again St. Peter instructed Gabriel to check this out. A moment later, Gabriel confirmed that this too was true.
Leaning closer and whispering to Gabriel, St. Peter asked, “What do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Glancing over at the lawyer, Gabriel replied, “I suggest we refund him his fifty cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Bank Line-Up
There was a long line-up of people waiting for the bank teller, when one guy suddenly started to massage the back of the person in front of him.
“Excuse me, but just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” the man in front snapped.
“Well, I’m a chiropracter and you appeared to be tense, so I was massaging your back. At times I just can’t help practicing my art,” the guy replied.
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” the man in front said. “I’m a lawyer. You don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”