Ambimama - India

Highly Improbable Crime
Once again, Little Johnny was in trouble, but this time it was serious. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and although the crime appeared to be highly improbable, the state’s evidence was overwhelming.
As a last desperate move, the defense attorney went over to the witness stand, pulled Little Johnny’s pants down and grabbed hold of the boy’s tiny penis for all to see.
Turning towards the jury box, the lawyer cried, “Ladies and gentlemen, surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?” Growing more agitated, he continued, “How could this miniature member possibly be capable of even an erection, let alone the rape of a grown woman!”
“Careful!” Little Johnny yelped, “One more shake and you’re going to lose the case!”

Civil Lawsuit Juror
When called to serve for jury duty, Mrs. Howard asked to be excused since she did not believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. However, the public defender appreciated her thoughtfulness and attempted to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
“Madam,” he explained. “This is not a murder trial. It is a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $15,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”
“All right then, I’ll serve,” Mrs. Howard replied. “I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!”

Transcripts From The Courtroom
The following questions were asked by lawyers while in the courtroom …
Q: What happened then?
A: He said, ‘I am going to have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: And, did he kill you?
Q: I show you Exhibit 1 and ask if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: She had four children, correct?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Do you recall the approximate time you examined the body?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy began at around 8:00 PM.
Q: And Mr. Sunderland was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, asshole, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just quietly passes away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated, ma’am?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q: You said that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So you were gone until your returned?

Terrorist Threat
The American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention at the Ramada Hotel when a group of terrorists burst into the conference room. Several hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
Unless their demands were met, the terrorist leader announced, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Game of Intelligence
A blonde was seated next to a lawyer on a plane and he kept bugging her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, he offered her 10 to 1 odds. “Each time you’re unable to answer one of my questions,” he explained, “you owe me $5.00. Each time I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $50.00.” Reluctantly, the blonde agreed to play.
“What’s the distance between Earth and the nearest star?” asked the lawyer.
Without even saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.00. She then asked him a question, “What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes back down the hill with four legs?”
Baffled, the lawyer grabbed his laptop and took several hours looking up everything he could, even going so far as to make several air-to-ground phone calls, in an attempt to find the answer.
Angry and frustrated, he finally gave up and handed her $50.00, which she immediately put in her purse.
“So, what’s the answer to your question?” the lawyer asked impatiently.
Without saying a word, she handed him $5.00.

Two For One
A man was walking along the beach when he spotted a cave. He entered the cave and discovered a magic lamp buried in the sand. Picking it up, he rubbed it and a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” the genie said, “but I must tell you that anything you wish for, every lawyer in the word will receive double.”
“For my first wish, I would like a million dollars,” the man said. He got his million and every lawyer received two million.
“For my second wish, I have always wanted a Porche,” said the man. He got his Porche and every lawyer received two.
“And, for your third wish?” the genie asked.
Since this was his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it very carefully.
“Well,” he said, “I have always wanted to donate a kidney!”

Sleeping Problems
A Hindu, a Rabbi and a lawyer were out driving in the country late one night when their car broke down. Setting out on foot to find help, they came upon a farmhouse and explained their problem to the farmer. The farmer said they could spend the night but, since he only had two beds, one of them would have to sleep in the barn.
The Rabbi agreed to sleep in the barn and allow the other two to have the beds. Minutes after the Rabbi left for the barn, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi burst into the bedroom and exclaimed, “I cannot sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there! It is against my religious beliefs to sleep in the same room as a pig.”
The Hindu agreed that he would sleep in the barn, since he had no religious problems with pigs. A few minutes later, the Hindu came bursting into the bedroom and said, “I cannot sleep in the barn. There is a cow in there! Sleeping in the same room as a cow is against my religious beliefs.”
The lawyer, desperate to get some sleep, said he would sleep in the barn since he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow ran in …

What Does Your Daddy Do?
Two little boys, Jack and Tom, were sitting in the park talking.
“What kind of work does your Daddy do?” Jack asked.
“My Daddy’s a teacher,” Tom replied. “What does your Daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Jack said.
“Honest?” asked Tom.
“No, just the regular kind!” Jack replied, with a shrug.

Christian Scruples
A lawyer successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and scolds, “Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!”
“I don’t know,” the lawyer replies, “what has your kid done?”

Judged By Experience
A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. His lawyer argued, “Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.”
“Your Honor,” the plaintiff’s lawyer retored, “if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!”

License Irregularities
Arriving at the town hall seconds before closing time, a couple caught a judge as he was about to leave and asked him to marry them. The judge asked if they had a license, and when they said they did not, he sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up and managed to get a license from him.
When they returned to the judge, he looked the license over and pointed out to them that they had filled the names in backwards … her’s where his should be, and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk’s office, caught him again, and obtained another license.
This time, the judge noted that the clerk had used the incorrect format when he filled in the date, so he sent them back to the clerk again.
After several reissued licenses, the judge finally appeared satisfied. “I hope you understand why I made you keep going back,” he said. “Any irregularities in the license would mean that your marriage would not be legal. Subsequently, any children you might have would be technical bastards.”
“Funny,” the groom commented, “that’s exactly how the clerk referred to you.”

Creative Defense
A lawyer, who was defending a man accused of burglary, tried this creative defense:
“Your Honor, my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few insignificant items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not. The choice is his.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Railroad Crossing Accident
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car, pushing it nearly five hundred yards down the track. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the doggone lantern was lit!” exclaimed the engineer.

A Lawyer and God
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer!

Sympathetic Plumber
A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called in a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and when the repair was completed he handed the lawyer a bill for $650.00.
“This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!” exclaimed the lawyer.
“Neither did I when I was a lawyer,” the plumber replied sympathetically.

Sympathetic Lawyer
A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his driver to stop, he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We haven’t any money for food,” the man replied.
“I see. Well, come along with me then,” the lawyer instructed.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!” the man said.
“Bring them along too!” replied the lawyer. He then turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But, sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man replied.
“Then bring them along as well!” the lawyer instructed as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor men turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
“No problem,” replied the lawyer. “The grass at my house is over a foot tall!”

Don’t Ask Questions
A man was sent to hell to pay for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a gorgeous woman.
“What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a gorgeous woman.”
Poking the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

The Legal Outsourcing firms in India are having a good business. Sending termination notices on contracts, collaborations, franchisees, employees and take-over of small legal companies for their Principals in USA.
Some people always benefit from the effects of bad times. This time it is Lawyers. Well let us give them a big hand by some humour! After some boring writing I thought of sharing some jokes. And the next to follow is Fun on Bankers!

Rewards
A parish priest was sitting in a lawyer’s office, when he asked, “Is it true that you do not charge members of the clergy for your services?”
“I’m sorry, Father, but you’ve been misinformed,” the lawyer replied. “Those in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world. We lawyers, on the other hand, must take ours in this one.”

Reading of the Will
A lawyer was reading a wealthy man’s will to the people mentioned in it.
“To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times, as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million.”
The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness, and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million.”
The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will … well, you’re wrong. ‘Hi, Phil!’”

The Best Legal Advice
Jerome wasn’t just a lawyer, he was a lawyer who was desperate for business. Needless to say, he was very happy when the court appointed him to defend an indigent defendant.
“You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you possibly can,” ordered the Judge.
After some time, Jerome re-entered the courtroom alone. When the Judge asked him where the defendant was, he replied, “Your Honor, you instructed me to give him the best legal advice I could. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.”

Defamation of Character
A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the Judge, “Does this mean that I can’t call Miss Stuart a pig? The Judge said that was accurate.
“Does this also mean that I can’t call a pig ‘Miss Stuart’?” the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig ‘Miss Stuart’ with no fear of legal action.
The man then looked Miss Stuart directly in the eye and said, “Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!”

Gold Watch
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
“For example,” the Judge said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Don’t you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?”
“What?” exclaimed the Judge. “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” replied his wife, “he knew exactly where it was.”

Many bloggers worldwide are writing too many good things that give joy, comfort and motivation to live and work. For the best sellers in print people tend to read only if Nilekani writes about the opportunities in India. At present at least for many years people around the world have to face the life without job. This will bring people to support each other, share a room, food, comfort or travel.

The Astrologers often attribute Saturn’s seven and a half years in a man’s (woman also) life as the most testing period. It shows the man his actual strength and weak points. He is affected physically, monetarily and faces failure in whatever he undertakes but He learns how to pray. By prayer he accepts his defeat and knows the secret of winning.

This grief period for World problems can be solved by people coming together and not wasting words on complaining.
We need to laugh on Politicians, Finance experts, Bankers and ourselves! The idiot box (TV) is there to temporarily comfort us.

The busy employed couple stay away from their parents these days. They lack time and love to give to their children. Competeition drives them mad to make their children take 100% in all subjects, computer, music, dance, sports and extra curriculars. When the children fail the parents vent their anger in some form by beating, using violent words and many silly things. Children are not allowed to play, relax and enjoy.

The children do not play simple games like Pandi,Pattam (kite flying),Dhaya Kattam or street football. No outings for beach,exhibitions or to homes of friends and relatives.
While child upbringing is a simple process of giving your time, love and attention, it has become an area of experts advicing the modern day couples. Children need bed time stories even. They learn a lot from parents and older people.

A Child has to be ready for the future to excel and earn. But more importantly it must learn to laugh, relax and enjoy the life itself. Let the children see us as we are - playful, some TV watching, reading and when the time comes for work or academics concentrate on it.

Instead of forcing the children, motivate them. They will blossom more beautiful.