Ambimama - India

Finally I am happy that India calls off the 2009 Cricket tour to Pakistan. There were 5 One Days, 3 Tests and one Twenty-20 to be played. I love Cricket and was happy when the previous NDA Government in an effort to improve relations between India and Pakistan allowed cricket to be played. Now the UPA Government again has cancelled the tour.

I have been busy reading developments of probe into Mumbai attack and Pakistanis being fooled by the Media and Military there. We Indians cannot be fooled by our politicians nor the terrorists and their motives.

This tour cancellation is just one of the protests and shows an indication of more things to come.

I was born and in Bombay (now renamed as Mumbai) for 18 years. I live in Chennai now. Though the auto, taxis fleece people here, and Chennai has poor roads, sanitation when it comes to Cricket Chennai crowd is the best. Here in Chennai rich, poor, educated, illiterates, employed and unemployed all love Cricket. Players from all over the World enjoy the sporting attitude and the crowd in Chennai. I saw Chidambaram stadium giving a big applause and beating drums when Zaheer Abbas opened the Test, India vs. Pakistan long ago with a boundary. In 1999 when Pakistan won the match the crowd gave a standing ovation. We love King Richards, Ian Botham, Chappel, Gavaskar, Wesley Hall starting to bowl from the pavillion, Gundappa, Tony Grieg, David Boon, Shane Warne, Iqbal Qadir, Clive Lloyd, the list is endless. And all the players around the World love the Chennai Crowd because of its sporting and cricketing sense.
Well the first test 2008 series was won here by India against England but all the players enjoyed the Chennai atmosphere. And the defeated Kevin Peterson praised India and the Chennai Crowd. At last me too, though Indian and deeply pained of attacks in Mumbai, love and be proud of Chennai. The match to be played in Mumbai was played here in Chennai. When will the terrorists learn to be sportive?

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
MAC Airlines
All captains, flight attendants, baggage handlers and ticket agents look and act the same. Each time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

DOS Airlines
Everyone pushes the plane until it glides. They then jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.

UNIX Airlines
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing continually about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Windows Airline
The terminal is very pretty and colorful, with friendly flight attendants, easy baggage check and boarding, and smooth take-off. Approximately ten minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airways
Similar to Windows Airline, but more expensive, uses much larger planes and takes out all other aircraft within a 35-mile radius when it explodes.

Boyfriend 5.0
Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications which had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
Additionally, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to rectify these problems, but to no avail.
Help please!
——Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please bear in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME, then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. However, remember that overuse could cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” WAV files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will cause Husband 1.0 to crash.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, however, it does have limited memory and is unable to learn new applications quickly. Consider purchasing additional software to improve performance.
Personally, I would recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
——Help Desk

If Life Was Like a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctl, Alt, Delete ” and start all over.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life got too noisy, you could just turn off the speakers.
To get even with neighbors, you’d turn up the Sound Blaster.
To get your daily exercise, just click on “Run”.
If you needed a break from life, just click on “Suspend”, then when you’re ready to continue life you’d hit “any key”.
To add/remove someone from your life, click on Settings and Control Panel.
If you misplaced your car keys, you’d click on “Find”.
“Help” with the chores would be just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would simply use your retrieval diskette to recover from a crash.
In the mood for a pizza? Just click “Send Now” and a hot pizza would soon be on its way.

WordPerfect Customer Support
Following is the dialog of what was ‘apparently’ an actual phone conversation between a WordPerfect user and a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
“Hello. May I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“Yes. They disappeared.”
“Hmmmm. What does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How can I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a C-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Ok, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you happen to still have the boxes, manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, unplug your system, pack it up just like it was when you got it, then return it to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What shall I tell them?”
“Just tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

PC Message Glossary
It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”
It says: “Installing program to C:\ … ”
It means: ” … And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.”
It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: ” … where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”
It says: “Please insert disk 11″
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”
It says: “Cannot read from drive D: … ”
It means: ” … However, if you put the CD in right side up … ”
It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”
It says: “Directory does not exist … ”
It means: ” … any more. Whoops.”
It says: “Please Wait … ”
It means: ” … Indefinitely.”
It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: ” … Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”

Still A Virgin
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Someone asked her how that could possibly be.
“Well,” she said, “my first marriage was to an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate it.
My second marriage was to a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.
My third marriage was to a Microsoft Windows programmer. All he would do was sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it was going to be.”

There are many disturbing reports about the maintenance of Tamilnadu SETC buses. Like air-condition not being switched off or off when required, dirty interiors, torn seats, push backs not working, very slow and full of bed bugs. Passengers travelling from Chennai to Madurai and beyond have to put up with more than 10 hours and they go sleepless with bed bugs attacking them. It is high time the SETC took some action to inspect and disinfest the buses. People are attracted to TN SETC buses only due to the economic rates. The online booking also does not function properly. The drivers and conductors must pass on the frequent complaints from the passengers to the concerned authorities. Well begun half done.

I was always scolded for not wishing Happy Birthday to my near ones. I did not forget the dates itself, but did not feel like it was important to wish. I hold on to a opinion that Birthday wishing were imitation from the British and not in our Indian Culture. This way I have not been recognizing the need to appreciate others or make them feel happy. Birth Day may not be the only occasion to make a person feel happy, but then I just failed to wish many. I always justify that only Great Achievers’ birthdays should be celebrated.

I have a long list of relatives and friends spread across the World. I wish someday I make a Family TREE and Friends TREE and automate the e-Greetings to them. It would then prove that I am a machine and lost the human touch of wishing someone personally.

Today is Rajinikanth’s birthday. It coincides with the birthday of a very close relative. I wish Happy Birthday to both!