Law Degree and Materialistic
Knowing that death was near, the critically old man called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?”
“It’s $50,000, but why do you want to become a lawyer when you’ll soon be dead?” asked the lawyer.
“That is none of your business. Just get me the course!” the old man demanded.
A few short days later, the old man obtained his law degree.
The lawyer, hoping to get his bill paid, was standing at his bedside. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was evident that the end was very near. Still very curious, the lawyer leaned over him and said, “Please, while there is still time, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?”
Gasping for his final breath, the old man whispered, “One less lawyer … ”
Materialistic Lawyer
Wanting to show off his car to his colleagues, the successful, young lawyer parked his new Lexus in front of the office. As he was getting out of it, a truck passed too closely and tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately called 911 on his cell phone and summoned the police, who arrived within minutes.
Before the officer had the opportunity to ask any questions, the lawyer began ranting and raving hysterically. He had just picked up his new car that morning and said it would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
Shaking his head in total disbelief and disgust, the officer said to him, “It’s unbelievable how materialistic you lawyers really are. You’re so focused on your possessions, you haven’t even noticed anything else.”
“How could you possibly say such a thing?” the lawyer asked.
“Are you aware that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?” the officer replied. “It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Oh my God,” the lawyer screamed, “where’s my Rolex!”
I Resent That
A drunk was sitting at the bar when he suddenly jumped up and yelled, “All lawyers are assholes!”
Hearing this, the guy sitting across from him quickly stood up and said, “Hey buddy, I resent that!”
“Why, you a lawyer?” the drunk asked.
“No,” replied the guy, “I’m an asshole!”
Heavenly Appeal
Finding himself in heaven after he passed away, the lawyer was very displeased with his accommodations. Complaining to St. Peter, he was advised that appealing his assignment was the only recourse he had. When he stated to St. Peter that he most definitely did plan to appeal, he was then told that there would be at least a two year wait before his appeal could be heard. As much as the lawyer protested against such a lengthy wait, it fell on deaf ears.
In a short time, the lawyer was approached by the devil. The devil advised him that if he was willing to change venue to hell, he could arrange to have an appeal heard in a matter of days. The lawyer then asked the devil how it was possible for appeals to be heard so much sooner in hell.
The devil explained, “We have all the judges.”
New Client
A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.
Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it … “Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!” Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?”
Mr. Baker replied, “Hi, I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”
Lawyer and the Priest
A priest and a lawyer were having a conversation. The priest asked the lawyer what he did if he made a big mistake on a case. “If it’s insignificant, I ignore it. If it’s big, I attempt to fix it. What do you do?” said the lawyer.
The priest replied, “Pretty much the same thing. I’ll give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars’. Instead what I said was, ‘the devil is the father of lawyers’, so I just let it go.
Drowning Lawyer
What can you do to stop a lawyer from drowning?
Remove your foot from his head.
You Can’t Take It With You
A greedy lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove the saying “You can’t take it with you” wrong. Giving it some thought he was sure he had figured out a way to take some of his money with him when he died.
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough cash to fill a couple of pillow cases. Then she was to take the filled pillow cases to the attic and place them directly above his bed. That way, when he did die, all he would have to do was reach out and grab the cases on his way to heaven.
Weeks after his funeral his wife was up in the attic and found the two forgotten cases filled with cash. “Silly fool,” she said. “I told him I should have put the cases in the basement.”
